Ingredients For Raising a Successful Child
As parents and educators we are on the lookout for what are the components and formulas that will provide the optimum chance for children to lead successful lives as human beings and Jews in school, the workplace and life in general. In my research, I found a pertinent thought from the Torah topic of the Nazir.
The Nazir was someone who took a vow to abstain from cutting his hair, coming into contact with a deceased person to include the closet relatives and from all wine and grape products. Generally, a person took the vow upon himself for a 30-day period but it could extend as long as a person wanted. As is the case with any Mitzvah, the vow of Nazirus helped a person strengthen his relationship with Hashem by promoting a greater level of sanctity in his life.
The famous commentary, The Avnei Nezer offered a keen insight into the abstention of becoming defiled from a deceased person. He pointed out that the Nazir has a greater restriction on himself than a person born as a Cohain. A Cohain is not allowed to become defiled either, except from his closest relatives. What places the Nazir’s sanctity above the Cohain’s? Actually, the Nazir has the same restrictions as the Cohain Gadol, the person considered to be the Holiest person in the Jewish nation.
The Avnei Nezer explains that the difference is based on the process to be a Cohain and a Nazir. The Cohain is born a Cohain and the Nazir has to become one through a personal vow. Making the decision to become a Nazir, to impose restrictions upon himself places the Nazir on a higher level of sanctity than the Cohain who made no decision at all. As such, the Nazir’s sanctity does not permit him to become defiled for even his closest relatives. The same holds true for the Cohain Gadol. Although he was born a Cohain, he later made a decision to accept upon himself the mantle of the high priesthood.
A closer look at their differences will help us appreciate the Avnei Nezer’s insight. The prohibition against defilement for the Cohain began at birth. He was raised with this restriction, which greatly minimized the challenge to uphold it. In contrast, the Nazir’s prohibition was self imposed and only existed for a defined frame of time, usually thirty days. To use modern vernacular, the same restriction pushed one of them to go outside his comfort zone but not the other one. As such, the Torah places the Nazir at a higher spiritual level because of his greater challenge to adhere to the same restriction as the Cohain.
The Sages of the Talmud reinforce this message in many places. For example, the Mishnah states, L’foom Tzara Agra, “according to the pain is the gain”; the more challenging the task the greater the reward. Also, the Mishnah states “more than you are used to, do”. Our Sages are encouraging us to go outside of our comfort zone, to try things outside of what we are accustomed to doing.
In recent years, the topic of children succeeding has become more front and center. Research in the field of child psychology is beginning to make a case for the ingredient “Grit” as a key component to success. In his New York Times Bestseller, “How Children Succeed”, Paul Tough, contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine brings to light that grit, curiosity and character are key ingredients that enable children raised in poverty and drug and crime infested environments to pull themselves out of the gutter to a life of hope and promise.
In the Jewish Day School culture nurturing grit and promoting curiosity that inspires children to work diligently is not always evident. Many of our children are not accustomed to struggling and toiling. Those standards are not readily instituted in the homes and as a result the teachers fall into a pattern of spoon-feeding their students. As a result, significant growth opportunities are being missed. As partners, the home and the school have to work together to acculturate our children to be willing to go beyond their comfort zones. As well, both parents and teachers need to provide environments that allow children to take risks and not to feel bad if they meet momentary failure.
There is much to be said on this topic. All readers are encouraged to research further for the sake of the kids.